


The Alternative Amuck

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Magnificent World, El Hazard: The Wanderers
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-31
Updated: 2002-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written December 2002; humor/parody; about 1200 words.
See also El-Hazard, Excel Saga, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Oh My Goddess!, Ren And Stimpy, Saber Marionette J, Tenchi Muyo!, and The Young Ones.
As any dedicated fan of the El-Hazard franchise knows, the final series to date, The Alternative World, while not completely without merit, is somewhat lacking, especially in its final episodes.  Many important questions were left unanswered.  For example, exactly who, or what, was Arjah?  And why was there a special link between Kauru and Makoto's circuit thingy?  And— WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO RUNE'S FARMER BOYFRIEND!?
Ahem.
While relatively little El-Hazard fan fiction has been written, a few of these works have taken great pains to answer all these questions in a thoughtful way, resulting in highly entertaining and satisfying stories.
This is not one of those stories.
This contains occasional adult humor and a life-time supply of weird fourth-wall breaking jokes.  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written December 2002; humor/parody; about 1200 words.
> 
> See also [_El-Hazard_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/El-Hazard), [_Excel Saga_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excel_Saga), _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ , [_Oh My Goddess!_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oh_My_Goddess!), _Ren And Stimpy_ , [_Saber Marionette J_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saber_Marionette_J), [_Tenchi Muyo!_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenchi_Muyo!), and _The Young Ones_.
> 
> As any dedicated fan of the El-Hazard franchise knows, the final series to date, _The Alternative World_ , while not completely without merit, is somewhat lacking, especially in its final episodes. Many important questions were left unanswered. For example, exactly who, or what, was Arjah? And why was there a special link between Kauru and Makoto's circuit thingy? And— WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO RUNE'S FARMER BOYFRIEND!?
> 
> Ahem.
> 
> While relatively little El-Hazard fan fiction has been written, a few of these works have taken great pains to answer all these questions in a thoughtful way, resulting in highly entertaining and satisfying stories.
> 
> This is not one of those stories.
> 
> This contains occasional adult humor and a life-time supply of weird fourth-wall breaking jokes. Reader discretion is advised.

TV-Ifurita flew through the darkened skies over Roshtaria, following the course of a river valley. She was carrying a Bugrom.

"Honestly," she said. "How do you expect to help Master Jinnai conquer the world, if you keep wandering off and getting lost?"

The Bugrom's reply was drowned out by the sound of a cruiser below them, speeding along the river. It was Kauru's cruiser.

Kauru sensed someone, or something, above and behind her. She spun away from the controls of her cruiser, leaving it on auto-pilot. She failed to notice how much smoother her ride became after she quit fighting the controls.

She called out, into the darkness. "You! Identify yourself! What land are you from?"

TV-Ifurita smiled. "Oh! Look! She's calling to us! I wonder if she's going our way? Maybe we could hitch a ride."

She raised a hand to get Kauru's attention— and dropped the Bugrom. "Oops!!"

A menacing form fell into Kauru's cruiser. It didn't fall directly on Kauru, but it knocked her back, off her feet. Kauru looked back up, trying to be brave, but fear had already begun to creep into her voice. "What do you want?— * _gasp_ *!!"

A low moon came out from behind the trees, and its light revealed the profile of a Bugrom. A confused and disoriented Bugrom, but a Bugrom, none the less.

Kauru screamed. Her cruiser went out of control, flipped end over end, and went down into the water.

TV-Ifurita gulped. "Uh oh. That must have exceeded her weight capacity. I wish I knew how to swim, so that I could help her."

—

Afura and Shayla sat at a table, across from the newlyweds Miz and Fujisawa. They shared bitter green tea, stale cookies, and an unbearably dull and forced conversation.

Shayla whispered to Afura, from the side of her mouth. "Remind me why we're wasting so much time here?"

Afura whispered back. "We have to wait for Kauru to get into trouble, for Makoto to find her and rescue her, for her to see some more Bugrom and scream again, and for her to wander into Floristica and get stuck at Nanami's restaurant, working off a bill, before we can finally meet her."

Shayla sighed. "She gets to do all that, while we're stuck here, doing nothing? Yeesh. Just because she's the new character—"

Miz cleared her throat angrily. "Do you MIND? I'm trying to devolve into a shallow stereotype of a nagging housewife here!"

Fujisawa sat by silently, grinning sheepishly and rubbing his neck. _Dear God,_ he thought, _I need a drink!_

Shayla sighed again. "Why, I remember, back in the first OVA... I got to kick some major Bugrom butt in my first scene in THAT series."

Afura also sighed. "Yeah, and all *I* got to do was ride down an elevator... Sometimes, it seems the writers just don't know what to do with—"

—

Jinnai watched—

—

"HEY!" Afura yelled. "I wasn't finished! The least you could do is let me finish my—"

—

Jinnai watched his few remaining Bugrom struggle to erect a wall within the ruins that were to become the new Bugrom hive. As usual, he was not entirely satisfied with their performance. "Put some guts and muscle into it!!" he yelled angrily.

The Bugrom turned to look at him, but then they were distracted by something. They grunted frantically.

TV-Ifurita rose through the air, above and behind Jinnai, unseen by him. She smiled. "Oh, look! You're helping put up the set for the new TV series! Can I help?"

Jinnai was confused. "Hey! What are you morons doing!?"

The Bugrom were not the most intelligent of creatures, but they did the most sensible thing, upon seeing the teenaged demon god. They turned around and ran away.

"Stop!!" Jinnai yelled. Then he gasped, as the wall began to tumble— towards him.

TV-Ifurita giggled, as her master ran from the toppling wall for dear life. "Well, it looks like you've got things well in hand here. Don't let me distract you."

Still unnoticed by the panicking Jinnai, she flew away.

—

Makoto stood in a dark place. Strange lights streaked overhead, giving an incongruous sense of movement to an otherwise static scene.

A familiar shape passed through his consciousness. It was the profile of a face— a face that he scarcely dared hope to see again, even though he was obsessed with its owner to the point of neurosis.

It took form in a swirling darkness before him. A woman stood, facing away from him, apparently finding the swirling darkness more interesting than him.

"Ih— Ifurita?" he asked, failing to remember that there weren't many other demon gods that he was obsessed with at the moment.

She turned to him, and smiled. She spoke. But her voice was strangely distant, like it had been over-processed with a cheap digital reverb sound effect. "Makoto?"

"Ifurita!! Is it really you!? WAIT!!" Makoto ran towards her, but came no closer, in that strange way that makes it painfully obvious that this is a dream sequence— even though the person in it never realizes what's going on.

Then Makoto stood back and gasped. He expressed his confusion most eloquently. "What's that stuff?"

The darkness swirling around Ifurita suddenly coalesced around her. She stood still, apparently helpless, even though she had nuked cities three series ago. "Makoto!! Hurry!! HURRY!!"

"IH— IFURITA!!" Makoto desperately stretched a hand out, and lied to his soul-mate. "I'll save you!! HOLD ON!!"

"MAKOTO!!" The darkness enveloped her, and took her from him, in a way that would make anyone cry out in despair.

Makoto cried out in despair. "IFURITA!! NO!!"

The darkness coalesced into a couple of random Rorschach tests. Ominous laughter echoed all around...

—

"AAAAANNND— CUT!!"

The set lights came up, and both Makoto and OVA-Ifurita relaxed and smiled.

The director gave them both a thumbs-up. "Good work, kids. You nailed it on the first take."

Makoto grinned. "It was great to work with you again, Ifurita."

"Thank you both." OVA-Ifurita turned to the director. "When will you need me again? When are you filming my next scene?"

The director gulped. "You mean... they haven't told you yet?"

The smile fell from OVA-Ifurita's face. She turned to Makoto. "Told me WHAT? They WILL need me again... sometime soon?..."

Makoto smiled very nervously, rubbed his neck, and took a step or two back, away from her. "Uh... maybe you should go talk with the producer, dear."

OVA-Ifurita scowled, and held out her open hand. Her key-staff flew to her, from off the set, like a light saber flying to a Jedi knight, and it began to flare and burn in her hands.

"Perhaps I should," she growled ominously.

—

Fatora stood at the side of her bed, sliding her hand over the sleeping form already in it. She spoke to herself, with a sly smile, as she slid her hand up the figure's legs, towards a very personal private place. "Let's see how the rest of you feels... Wait a MINUTE!!"

The sly smile fell from her face. Her face also went white, but this went unnoticed, as the camera zoomed out to a wide shot of the castle, for the requisite scream-take.

"AAUGH!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?"

The figure in the bed sat up, shaking off sleep. "Lady Fatora?"

Then it smiled. "Oh. That's right. We've never met. I'm the TV series' Ifurita. Pleased to meet you."

Fatora's shock turned to confusion. "But... this series isn't in the TV series' continuity..."

TV-Ifurita smiled sweetly. "Don't worry. I'm just doing some odd jobs around the set. And I was taking a nap between jobs."

Then she frowned. "Um, were you looking for something? And if you were, why did you think it was between my—"

Fatora smiled slyly again. "An alternate Ifurita? Intriguing... Tell me, my dear. Are you under anyone's 'control' at the moment?"

"Um, no," TV-Ifurita said. "I'm taking a break between odd jobs, remember?"

Fatora grinned malevolently, and held the tips of her fingers together. "EX-cellent. In that case, may I ask... Do you like being... naughty?"

TV-Ifurita blinked, in confusion, but then she smiled again. "Oh, yes! I'm nice and evil, just like Master Jinnai told me! Why, when he woke me up, the very first thing I did was to blow up a mountain! Although I don't remember it very well..."

Fatora drew back and gulped. "A whole mountain? That's even worse than the cities MY series' Ifurita destroyed..."

She held up her open hands and sweat-dropped. "Um... Well... Sorry to have disturbed your nap. Do you know where Alielle is?"

TV-Ifurita pointed to the door. "She's in the next room down the hall. But you might want to..."

She trailed off, and spoke to herself, as Fatora left. "Um, you might want to take another room. Her little brother is staying with her..."

—

OVA-Ifurita stood up from her chair, in the producer's office, in front of his desk, and shouted. "WHAT!? Do you mean to tell me, THAT was my ONLY SCENE!?"

The producer tugged at his collar and mopped his brow with his handkerchief. "Ms. Ifurita. Please remain calm. I don't want to have to call security."

OVA-Ifurita growled, but sat back down. "Very well. But explain this! I was not surprised to have only one scene in the first episode, since that is how the first OVA series was written. But I was led to believe that this television series was to be a full twenty-six episode series, with the highest production values of any television series to date...

"And what of the opening credits that have already been filmed? Surely my fans will be disappointed, if, after appearing in the opening credits so extensively, I have only one scene. And what of the revelation of how Makoto finally learns the secrets of the Eye of God, in episode fourteen? And the heart-warming extended reprisal of his return to Earth, to rescue me?

"And there were still a dozen episodes to follow that. What of our wedding in the royal palace, and our honeymoon cruise on the Great Holy River of God, and the wacky yet touching episode when Miz tries to teach me how to be a good housewife..."

The producer fidgeted. "I'm sorry, Ms. Ifurita, but all of that was cut when the final script was drafted. There just wasn't enough of a budget for it."

"No BUDGET!?" OVA-Ifurita's eyes narrowed. "But the first OVA series was a great success! And what of the advertising revenues from the first TV series?..."

"Well, you see, that's just it," the producer explained. "The first TV series didn't do so well. In fact, we're lucky that this second TV series was green-lighted at all, even after it was reduced to twelve episodes."

"THAT is NOT SURPRISING!!" OVA-Ifurita shouted. "I TOLD you that I should have been in the first TV series! I TOLD you that I can do light comedy! But— NO!! You had to re-cast my part with that— that— THAT DAMNED DIMWITTED DEMON DOLL!!"

The producer gulped, and hammered at a button on his phone that paged security.

OVA-Ifurita stood up from her chair again. Her key-staff flared wildly. "By ALL that is HOLY— SHE WILL PAY FOR THIS!!"

The producer slid down and hid behind his desk. "Uh... I don't suppose she could pay for it somewhere else? Like... Australia? Or Antarctica?"

The door to the office was flung open, and a few security guards burst in. The leading guard spoke. "Alright, what's— YIPE!!"

The producer peeked up from behind his desk. "Guards!! We have a problem here!!"

The leading guard took one look at OVA-Ifurita's flaring key-staff— and replied as he and the guards backed out of the room. "You're right. You DO have a problem here."

The producer held up his open hands. "ALRIGHT!! Ms. Ifurita!! There's one way I can make your part larger."

OVA-Ifurita lowered her key-staff. "Keep talking."

"Well... this series was actually reduced by half— to THIRTEEN episodes. The TV series proper will only be twelve episodes, but we're doing a bonus onsen episode for the video release."

The producer cast a quick eye along OVA-Ifurita's attractive figure. "And I'm sure we could think of a way to write you in. It will require full nudity, of course... but..."

He trailed off as OVA-Ifurita raised her key-staff again, and aimed it directly at him. It flared and burned even more wildly. She spoke again, and icicles seemed to hang from her every word.

"You. Have. GOT. To. Be. JOKING."

—

Kauru had returned to the kitchen of the Shinonome Diner, after taking orders from the priestesses and Fujisawa, and then being recognized by Miz.

Nanami noticed Kauru's happy smile. "Kauru? Do you know Miz?"

"Oh, yes," Kauru said. "I'm going to be the next great priestess of water. I must have conveniently forgotten to mention that."

Nanami was bemused. "Huh. I wondered how you were getting those plates so clean. You must really know your stuff with water..."

Then she smiled. "In that case, give me their orders, and then you can go sit with them, and have some more tea while they eat. You can pay the rest of your bill after you get your first paycheck. If you're going to be a great priestess, you should be good for the money."

Kauru looked at her order pad, and gulped. "Oh dear... I was so nervous, when I took their orders, that I can barely read my own handwriting. Um... A bowl of strawberry ice cream with onions... A fortune cookie dipped in mayonnaise... A raw hot dog on a Twinkie, with Cheeze Whiz... And a bag of roast ox crisps."

Nanami sighed. "Fer cryin' out loud. I guess I'd better NOT have you work off your bill. At this rate, you'll drive all my customers away."

—

Arjah stood in his dressing room, checking over himself in a lighted mirror, and humming to himself in a smooth soft voice. He heard a timid knock at his door, and called out. "En-TAH!"

TV-Ifurita peeked in. She was holding Makoto's home-made dimensional transporter. "Mr. Arjah? I was supposed to deliver this prop, but I forgot where I'm supposed to deliver it."

Arjah smiled kindly. "Don't worry, my dear. They're using that in my first scene. I can take you there. Just let me finish my make-up."

He turned back to his mirror with a wistful sigh. "Ah... this is nothing like the old days. Why, I remember when I had to walk twenty miles in the snow, uphill in both directions, and fetch my own props for..."

TV-Ifurita set the dimensional transporter on the floor of the room. She failed to notice that she had hit a hidden switch. The transporter began to glow as she sat down beside it.

She lay on her stomach, rested her elbows on the floor, held her face in her hands, and childishly kicked her feet in the air. She spoke in a little girl's voice. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Finishing up my make-up," Arjah replied.

"Why-yyy?"

"Because I have to look my best for the cameras, my dear."

"Why-yyy?"

The slightest hint of annoyance crept into Arjah's mellifluous voice. "Because I am an old man, and work is hard to come by. You teenagers have taken over anime, you know."

"Why-yyy?"

Arjah sighed. "Because— look, I don't wish to be rude, but you really are terribly annoying."

"Why-yyy?"

"BECAUSE you keep saying WHY!" Arjah said, his voice rising.

"Why-yyy?"

"How should *I* know!?" Arjah shouted. "YOU'RE the one that's—"

He froze, and fell into a coughing fit that took his breath away.

TV-Ifurita rose from the floor. "Mr. Arjah? Are you—"

Arjah hung his head and gasped for breath. "Just listen— to what— you've done— to my— voice!! I used— a ventilator— for WEEKS— to get— this part—"

TV-Ifurita turned to his door. "Oh! Let me get you some nice hot tea. That's just the thing for a sore throat."

Arjah stood up, and went after her, rasping loudly. "NO!— Just get OUT!— and STAY—"

But then, he tripped over the active dimensional transporter. He disappeared in a brilliant flash of light.

TV-Ifurita turned back. "Mr. Arjah? Where did you go?"

Arjah was trapped within the dimensional transporter. He pounded against the inside of the glass top with his fists, and shouted in his now-hoarse voice. "LET ME OUT! Let me OUT of here! Or at least, throw me a magazine!"

TV-Ifurita smiled. "Oh! Look! He's on TV! This must be a camera monitor! But how did he get to the set so fast?"

She picked up the transporter, ignoring Arjah's protests. Then, she hit the hidden switch again, and the transporter shut down. She frowned, and sighed. "Oh!... I guess the batteries died..."

And then, she carried it out of Arjah's dressing room, talking to herself. "Maybe someone else knows where it's supposed to go..."

—

Nanami and Shayla had watched Kauru enter Makoto's rooms. Then they had invited themselves in, to express their concern over Kauru— by threatening the man they loved within a millimeter of his life.

"This is RIDICULOUS!" Shayla yelled. "You don't need ANOTHER love interest! And the El-Hazard cast is already too big anyway! The next thing you'll be telling me, they'll introduce Alielle's brother, or something, and HE'LL be chasing after—"

She trailed off, as Kauru smiled at her. "Alielle?... Why, my attendant, Parnasse Relryle, has an older sister named Alielle."

Shayla fell back into a chair, holding her poor head. "Oy vey!"

Nanami took up the offensive. "Makoto! Why would you have any interest in a DISH WASHER?"

Makoto blinked. "Huh?"

Nanami crossed her arms and huffed. "That's RIGHT! Why, only yesterday, this woman was washing dishes in my restaurant—"

"WHAT!?" Makoto yelled. "Nanami! How COULD you!"

Nanami suddenly wilted. "But— She couldn't pay her—"

But Makoto wasn't listening. "The poor woman was attacked by a Bugrom, went through a cruiser crash, and almost drowned! Then she was scared half to death by more Bugrom, and got lost! And THEN, she straggled into town, tired, cold and hungry, and— you made her WASH DISHES!? How COULD you!?"

Nanami fell back into a second chair, shocked at how angry Makoto had become with her. "Shayla!... Help!..."

Shayla was rubbing her temples. "Don't look at ME, Box Lunch Girl. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of two Relryles. Oh, the humanity..."

—

OVA-Ifurita stood in the actors' lounge, leaning against a small kitchenette counter, facing a coffee pot, with her hands resting at both sides of the pot. Her key-staff leaned against the counter beside her.

She stood still and silent. But her head, and heart, were filled with a tempest of raging emotions. She didn't know whether to destroy this lounge, and most of the city around it— or to curl up in a fetal position in one corner and go catatonic for a few centuries.

She had filmed her only scene in this series. And it was common knowledge by now that this would be the last El-Hazard series.

It was over. Her career was over.

She might never work again. She knew she was typecast as the lead in the El-Hazard franchise. And there was no shortage of pale blue-haired angst-ridden anime girls looking for work.

She remembered the last time she had talked with Rei Ayanami. Why, even REI hadn't got a good part since... well, since the "End of Evangelion."

Her dear Makoto was filming some scenes now. She couldn't go running to him. She couldn't distract him from his work.

And she couldn't even get a cup of coffee. Someone had left the pot on the burner with only a trace of coffee at the bottom.

OVA-Ifurita finally somehow summoned the will to take the pot to the sink and rinse it out, and then to search the cupboards for the coffee can and the filters. _FINE,_ she thought. _I shall make my OWN coffee._

She had just found the coffee can, and taken it down in both hands, when she heard the voice. THAT voice. HER voice.

"Oh, hi! It's OVA-Ifurita, right? Are you working odd jobs on the set, too?"

Still holding the coffee can in both hands, OVA-Ifurita turned, ever, so, slowly, and saw the face. THAT face. HER face.

TV-Ifurita stood, smiling sweetly, holding a cup of coffee. "Thanks for making coffee. I took the last cup myself, but I was waiting until after my break to make another pot."

OVA-Ifurita twitched.

TV-Ifurita blinked. "Um, you were going to make coffee, right?"

OVA-Ifurita very suddenly clenched her hands, still holding the metal coffee can in both hands. It crumpled under her demon god strength, and ground coffee sprayed out all around her.

TV-Ifurita sighed, and put down her coffee. "Oh... What did you do THAT for? I just swept the floor a few minutes ago."

OVA-Ifurita's eyes burned with the madness of homicidal rage. She somehow spat out a single word. "YOU."

TV-Ifurita went to a closet, and pulled out the head of a broom. She took up her own key-staff, and snapped the head on it. "Um, YEAH. That's what I just said. Weren't you paying attention?"

OVA-Ifurita's entire body was too tightly clenched to allow her to speak again. She began to tremble with the effort to restrain herself.

TV-Ifurita walked up to her, and began to sweep up the coffee. "'Scuse me, please."

Then she took another look at OVA-Ifurita, and put one finger to her mouth in thought. "Gee. You look tense. Maybe you should switch to 'decaf.'"

Then she smiled sweetly again. "Say, would you like me to give you a massage? I'm really good at— URK!!"

OVA-Ifurita had reached out very suddenly, and grabbed TV-Ifurita by the neck. TV-Ifurita squirmed in her grip, and spoke in a strained voice. "Um... thanks, but... I don't really need... a massage, myself... and... you... don't... usually... squeeze... this... tight..."

OVA-Ifurita took up her key-staff in her other hand, and began to drag TV-Ifurita out of the room. TV-Ifurita held up an arm towards the counter, as she was drug out of the room. "Didn't... you... want... some... coffee?..."

—

As Miz, Afura, Shayla and Makoto looked on, Fujisawa jumped out of hiding and threw himself at Kauru, wearing Jinnai's Bugrom outfit from the second OVA series. Sadly, he lacked Jinnai's gift for speaking the Bugrom language. "Boogie boogie!!" he shouted.

Kauru looked at him blankly, and blinked a few times. Then she whipped out a can of bug spray, aimed it at him, and pushed its button. She smothered him with a thick gray cloud of poisonous fumes.

Fujisawa coughed and sputtered. "* _gasp_ * * _choke_ * Whad'ya tryin' to do, kid? * _cough cough_ * Kill me?" He stood back, and gasped for breath. "Good thing I usually keep my eyes half-closed, or else you might have blinded me."

Shayla came forwards. "Aw, come on! We just aren't trying hard enough! Even *I* wouldn't be fooled by that! We gotta—"

She froze, as Kauru drew back from her in sheer terror. Then she looked at her shoulder, saw a bug on it, and gulped. "Oh boy."

Then she looked back to Kauru. Kauru dropped her now empty can of bug spray, and she produced a massive fly-swatter. She held it out in both hands, and then advanced on Shayla, with a not entirely sane look on her face.

Shayla drew back from Kauru in turn. "Hey! Wait a minute—"

Miz, Afura and Makoto stood still, but they turned their heads in unison, to watch Kauru chase Shayla around the room. Kauru swung her fly-swatter at Shayla, like a heavy sword, but with ease.

Miz was pleased. "Shayla's test worked better than we thought. And we've found out how strong she is..."

Afura rubbed her chin. "Promising... yet strangely disturbing. This reminds me of the time I saw Fatora laughing, and chasing a giggling Alielle through the palace, swinging a light paddle around like that, and promising her a night she wouldn't soon forget, if she—"

Shayla ran past them again, bawling, frightened for her life. She burst through the doors, and streaked past Nanami, wailing, and running as if the hounds of hell were nipping at her heels.

Nanami looked into the room, and saw Kauru collapse to the floor, gasping, holding the largest fly-swatter she'd ever seen. Makoto was at her side, asking if she was alright. Miz and Afura looked at her with big smiles on their faces.

And then, she saw her sensei in a bug costume, also still gasping for breath.

Nanami held a hand over her eyes. "I DON'T want to know..."

—

The two Ifuritas faced each other, high in the air above the main outdoors set of the royal palace and the Floristica palace-town. The Eye of God hung in the sky behind them, in much the same way that a brick doesn't.

OVA-Ifurita had flung TV-Ifurita away from herself, through the air. She brandished her key-staff in a challenge to TV-Ifurita, and spoke in a flat cold voice worthy of the Grim Reaper himself. "Now. We fight. To the death."

TV-Ifurita smiled nervously. "Um... well... we can't, actually. This is out-of-context fourth-wall-breaking fan fiction, and you can't really kill a character in—"

"TO THE DEATH!!" OVA-Ifurita shrieked.

TV-Ifurita hung her head and sighed. "Oh, alright. But just for a few minutes, OK? I'm supposed to report to wardrobe after my break, and I'll get in trouble if—"

"AAAAAAAAUGH!!" OVA-Ifurita let out a bloodcurdling scream, and she charged and fired her key-staff at the same time.

TV-Ifurita easily dodged both the zap and OVA-Ifurita's body. She bit her lip, as her hair blew in the wind thrown up by the attack. "OK. I guess I'm supposed to counter-attack now..."

She swung up her own key-staff, and aimed it at OVA-Ifurita, and set her face in determination, and fired. Of course, she was holding her key-staff backwards.

Her zap struck the Eye of God.

—

After his morning meeting with OVA-Ifurita, the producer had arranged a hasty meeting with a representative of the TV series production's insurance company.

"Look," the representative was saying, "this policy covers acts of God, but it DOESN'T cover acts of DEMON GODS! Now—"

The representative was cut off by the blast of a massive explosion, followed by the horrific sound of a huge metal structure tearing into several pieces and falling to earth.

The representative panicked. "WHAT was THAT!?"

The producer held his face in his hands and groaned. "That would be the sound of my career going down in flames..."

—

OVA-Ifurita's face fell, in complete, utter, and mind-numbing disbelief. Then she screamed at TV-Ifurita.

"YOU!?— YOU!?— YOU BROKE THE EYE OF GOD!?"

TV-Ifurita gulped. "Oops..."

—

Shayla sat off by herself, somewhere in the mostly unused palace sets, playing solitaire Pettan, and pulling at a bottle of sake she had smuggled onto the set, trying to forget her unpleasant experience with Kauru through the wonders of alcohol.

She barely raised an eyebrow as a massive fragment of the Eye of God smashed through the ceiling and walls of the set, utterly destroying the set with a deafening crushing noise.

After a few minutes, the dust settled to reveal Shayla, sitting in the only floor space not covered in mounds of rubble, still playing her card game. The fragment of the Eye of God had come to rest mere meters behind her.

Afura walked up, looking around her with increasing annoyance. "Well, that's just TYPICAL! Five minutes to go to the most important scene of my career, and half the city's been wrecked by a gigantic chunk of the Eye of God!"

Shayla sighed. "Aw, whad'ya gettin' worked up about?"

She picked up her sake bottle. Sadly, it had been cracked, and it shattered as she picked it up.

"EEEEEEEE!!" said Shayla.

—

The producer and the insurance representative had taken a quick look at the remains of the Eye of God, and the remains of the Floristica set. They had returned to the producer's office for a lengthy round of pleading, name-calling, and empty threats.

The producer spoke, as the representative stood up and closed his briefcase. "It hasn't been a pleasure doing business with you. I hope you have an awful day. If I'm lucky, you'll have a day as bad as the day I'M having."

The insurance representative grinned. "Always pleased to be of service to the creative community. If you have other insurance needs that we can weasel out of, via obscure legal loopholes, please feel free to contact us."

The producer held his head in his hands, and rubbed his temples. "Oh, go away, and let me contemplate an act of _seppuku_ in peace. TV-Ifurita will show you to the visitors' parking lot."

The representative gulped. "You mean— you haven't fired her? After she destroyed your most expensive prop, and your most important sets, with one blow?"

The producer sighed. "She's a demon god. Perhaps YOU'D like to fire her. Besides, I just hate making her cry..."

"But... but..." the representative protested. "But... she's an ultimate weapon! She's bound to run amuck, and cause even more damage and destruction! Why, even now, she's probably planning unspeakable acts of evil, and taking delight in anticipation of our slow painful deaths!!"

The producer looked up, and grinned malevolently.

The representative gulped again. "Ah. She's standing behind me, isn't she."

He turned, and gave TV-Ifurita a painfully fake smile. "Heh... heh... You look like a nice girl. You wouldn't do anything... evil... now, would you?..."

TV-Ifurita smiled cheerfully. "Oh no! I'm evil, just like you said! Why, I just LOVE being evil, and doing evil things!!"

The representative let TV-Ifurita lead him out of the producer's office, with the look of a condemned man being led to a chair with an unusually high voltage rating.

The producer savored what little satisfaction he could from the representative's distress. Then he sighed again, and paged his secretary. "Alright. Please ask the writers to come in, so I can hear about this half-baked 'Creteria' concept they've just thrown together..."

—

The Royal House of Roshtaria and most of the palace staff, the great priestesses of Muldoon (less one), and the Earthlings (less one) stood silently in the royal hall, looking at each other, waiting for another urgent matter to be resolved before Kauru's inauguration ceremony began.

Makoto ran into the hall at top speed, grinning sheepishly, and took his place as quickly as he could. "Sorry. I always have trouble finding the bathroom in this place."

Nanami sighed. "Makoto, I can't believe how dense you are."

Kauru rose up from a lit square in the carpet, like a contestant on the set of a wacky 1970s TV game show.

"Wow!" Fatora said, wiping drool from her chin. "Look at her!"

"She is so pretty!" Parnasse said.

"Beautiful!" Alielle said.

"She's radiant!" Makoto said.

"You said it," Nanami agreed.

Makoto turned to Nanami with equal parts surprise and confusion. "Nanami!? I understand Parnasse, and Fatora and Alielle, but— Why would YOU say that?"

Nanami smiled slyly and winked. "Just a little sexual ambiguity for the fan-boys. It's sure to give a girl a boost in character popularity polls."

—

The producer was slowly warming to the 'Creteria concept'— mostly because it was the only one the writers could offer.

"The Eye Of God?" the producer asked.

One writer spoke. "Still air-worthy. There's no budget to weld it back together. But we've come up with the idea of turning the pieces into a group of islands floating in the sky. We won't even have to clear all the dirt and trees that they uprooted."

The producer sighed. "I suppose you'll even have people living on the pieces, farming the soil."

The writers looked at each other nervously.

"Ai yi yi." The producer rubbed his temples. "Well, I guess we could send Miz and Fujisawa up there."

"And Afura," a second writer added. "We were going to send her up there. We just don't know what to do with her, otherwise."

"What are you going to do with Shayla?" the producer asked, not really wanting to know. "And Jinnai and the bug... Shayla was supposed to find him in the palace, and spend an episode chasing them all through the palace. It was a great action sequence..."

"Well..." the first writer said, "when the largest piece of the Eye of God was lifted, we found it had carved out a chasm, all the way down to that underground river that ran under the original Bugrom hive. And we could use those old snow machines to make sure no one recognizes the old Bugrom landscape.

"We figure, Shayla gets angry, and starts chasing them, and—"

The producer grimaced. "She's not gonna like that... Well, what about our worst problem? There's no budget to rebuild the palace sets, and the old script called for an alternate world that seems to be El-Hazard at first glance, before we started throwing in all the predictable 'Twilight Zone' plot twists—"

The second writer grinned. "We've got just the thing. Do you remember the first 'Saber Marionette J' TV series? Well, the old Gartlant sets are still standing, and that lot is just a couple of blocks from where we're filming now. They'll make a fine 'Creteria.'"

"Those sets were a bit dull, weren't they?" the producer asked, with distaste in his voice. "Oh well. I guess that's the best we can do. When were you going to, uh, send them to Creteria?"

The first writer also grinned. "No time like the present."

—

The circuit thingy that Makoto had brought to Kauru's initiation, for no good reason, began to go wild, also for no good reason.

Makoto gasped. "Eh!? Why is it activating again?"

Nanami turned to look, and became dizzy from the ghost images on her retinas, as if she had been blinded by a camera flash bulb. "What's that weird light?"

Kauru concentrated on her little water spout, paying no attention as things went terribly wrong. Of course, Kauru was often lost in her own strange little world. Still, this did not bode well for her new career as a vigilant defender of truth and justice.

Makoto gasped again. "Of course! I know what this thing is now! Or, at least, one of its primary functions. It's—"

"Yes?" asked Nanami.

"It's—"

"Yes!?" asked Alielle.

"It's—"

"YES!?" asked Parnasse.

"It's— a plot-hole detector!"

Nanami gasped, in turn. "You mean—"

Makoto sighed. "Afraid so. We're all about to fall through the largest plot-hole ever created in the El-Hazard OVA continuity."

Nanami also sighed. "I've got to start carrying my passport with me."

Makoto's last thoughts, as he and all his dear friends were flung through time and space, were of disappointment at the empty white backgrounds. _When Ifurita first sent me here,_ he thought, _I got a little flash-forward, and some stars and planets, and a weird swirly thing. We must be on a tight budget..._

—

After falling from the sky, nearly being chopped into kindling, hung out to freeze-dry, and then being alternately leered at and completely ignored by the Emperor Dall Narciss the Third, Makoto and Nanami were guided to a guest room. Dall followed them into the room. They gasped as they saw who was lying in its bed.

"Oh my God! Kauru?" Nanami said.

"Kauru?... It's her, alright," Makoto said.

"She's the other heavenly maiden?" Nanami asked rhetorically.

Dall sighed happily. "She appeared from above, as if alighting from Heaven itself. A celestial nymph who arrived with the dawn's light..."

Nanami crossed her arms and scowled at Makoto. "So... why does SHE get to take a nice little nap while *I* get hit on by the Emperor Pervert here?"

—

Makoto and Nanami sat close together, locked in a hanging cage and hanging high above Creteria. They huddled to share precious body warmth, covering themselves with Ura as much as they could.

"Nanami?" said Makoto, through chattering teeth. "There's a little thing you might want to try, one of these days. It's called TACT."

Nanami growled. "Yeah? Well, let's put Fatora's dress and that wig on you, and see how YOU like having the Emperor drool over you. It's been awhile since you played dress-up, anyway—"

Makoto suddenly pulled Ura away from her, to himself. He went off to one side of the cage to sulk.

Nanami began to shiver violently with the cold. She spoke out loud to herself. "Ah. Right. TACT."

—

TV-Ifurita had finally reported to wardrobe. She was flying through the Eye of God-slash-farming colonies, carrying a large heavy garment bag full of costumes over her shoulder.

She came to a cloud bank. _Oh dear,_ she thought. _I haven't got time to fly around these clouds. I guess I'll just have to go through them._

She hooked the garment bag on her own collar, put her key-staff in her mouth and held it between her teeth, and flew into the very thick clouds, feeling her way along with both hands.

After a minute or two of very slow progress, she felt something solid. She pushed at it, but it only gave a little. And then, she heard an indignant voice. "Hey! Watch where you put your hands!"

_Hmm,_ TV-Ifurita thought. _That sounds like Miss Wind Lady. And it feels like her, too._

But then, she heard more voices.

"Huh? You talking to me?"

"Masamichi! How could you!"

"Wait, punkin! It was just a mistake!"

_Oh dear,_ TV-Ifurita thought. _I had better take my key-staff out of my mouth, and apologize. Whoops, where is it? I thought it was right here. Oh, of course. I have to stop turning my head._

Afura called out again. "Stop moving around! We'll fall!"

But it was too late. TV-Ifurita was too close to Afura and the others, and she had continued to feel Afura up as she searched for her key-staff. She threw them completely off balance. She heard them all scream as they fell down and away from her.

_Oh dear,_ she thought again. _I hope they don't fall on top of the OVA-Princess Rune Venus..._

—

OVA-Ifurita sat off by herself in a corner of Nanami's latest restaurant.

Makoto had also come to the restaurant. He brought a lunch tray to the table where OVA-Ifurita sat, and sat down beside her.

"I'm so sorry, Ifurita," said Makoto. "I was sworn to secrecy about the script. They were afraid that, if you heard that your part had been cut ahead of time, you might walk off the set... or destroy it..."

OVA-Ifurita smiled sadly. "It was not of your doing, my love... Although, I had wondered why we hadn't linked for such a long time... I was afraid you were angry with me..."

Makoto squeezed her hand. "Oh, Ifurita. I'm sorry. I hate it when I have to keep secrets from you."

He turned to the table, and began eating his lunch. "At least, with this weird shooting schedule, we've been able to spend some time together. I wasn't even in one or two episodes at all."

OVA-Ifurita turned to him. "But... we were planning for two incomes. And this will further reduce our royalties. I did not appear in the first television series, so we have only your royalties from that series, too...

"We do not have enough money saved to retire yet. And we are the leads in this franchise. Surely, both of us will be typecast. If this is the last series, where will we find work after this?"

Makoto reassured her. "I've already got some work on the 'Oh My Goddess!' revival movie. I'm doing some tech support for Skuld's inventions, and I might get some screen time if they need doubles for Keiichi... Say, maybe you could get a walk-on as a support goddess. They're filming several scenes in Yggdrasil, you know."

OVA-Ifurita frowned. "I had better get a job on the set, to keep an eye on you, if you will be working around Belldandy."

Makoto smiled sheepishly. "Aw, c'mon. The Ultimate Force would wipe me out if I tried to infringe on her contract with Keiichi. Anyway, they're such a nice couple. I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. Literally, knowing Belldandy."

But OVA-Ifurita was still uneasy. "Um... Makoto?"

Makoto answered through a mouthful of lunch. "Mm-hmm?"

"About the first El-Hazard television series..."

Makoto sighed. "Oh, Ifurita. Are you still worried about that? TV-Rune Venus was a sweet girl, but she's no demon god... And we're all professionals. That was only a job. It wasn't like working with you... my love..."

OVA-Ifurita looked down. "Even with her... endowments?..."

Makoto grinned. "Yeah, she was... something, wasn't she? The typical impossibly beautiful anime girl. And I'll admit, she dressed to show 'them' off.

"But hey, you've got no reason to be jealous of her body. And, as beautiful as you are... that's one of the least important reasons why I love you..."

OVA-Ifurita leaned against him, sighed, and smiled.

Makoto held her hand again. "And you know she's going with MY double from the last episode. You know, the guy with the angel wings? We just got a postcard from the two of them. Remember?"

OVA-Ifurita purred. "Mmm... I think I understand what you men see in Belldandy. His angel wings were simply gorgeous."

Makoto grinned again as he finished his lunch. "Hey now. Who's questioning who's faithfulness, here?"

OVA-Ifurita smiled mischievously. "Sorry, dear."

—

Shayla slumped in her trap, floating in the underground river, listlessly drumming her fingers. She looked up in astonishment to see TV-Ifurita flying towards her.

TV-Ifurita smiled sweetly, and held up a small bowl. "Hi, Miss Fire Lady! How are you doing? Um, I heard you were hungry, so I brought you some corn flakes!"

Shayla groaned. "I don't BELIEVE this... First they bring in 'Kauru the Mary-Sue'... as if Box Lunch Girl and the damned demon god weren't enough competition...

"Then they gave me the skimpiest costume YET for this series, and then they dumped me in a snow field, to freeze to death...

"And then, I had to waste half of an episode bickering with that psychopath and his pet bug. One good fire bolt woulda finished them both, but no, I only got to slap 'em around a bit, and then I had to chase them into THIS God-forsaken hell-hole...

"And THEN, I had to stand still and let all those damn cockroaches SPIT on me, and trap me inside this damn PING PONG BALL, and dump me into this damn SEWER...

"And THEN— YOU come along? And YOU ask me HOW I'M DOING!?"

TV-Ifurita smiled nervously, and held up her open hands. "Um..."

Shayla forgot herself, and fired her lamp, full on. "OH, I'M DOING JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY— EEYOWTCH!!"

TV-Ifurita winced. Then she looked back up, to see the smoke clear inside Shayla's still-intact trap— revealing a rather crispy Shayla.

TV-Ifurita bit her lip. "Um... Miss Fire Lady? Are you OK?"

"Eep urk," said Shayla.

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry you're in such tremendous pain, but..."

"Eep urk."

"Um, Miss Fire Lady? Um... how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Eep urk."

"Oh dear. No, I'm holding up three fingers. You should try to relax... Oh, I know..."

TV-Ifurita raised her key-staff, remarkably holding it the right way around for once, and shot the top off of Shayla's trap. Then she flew up and pulled Shayla out of the trap, and took her away, and set her limp body down on the ground, like a rag doll.

And then, she started to pull off Shayla's clothing.

"Eep urk?" asked Shayla, with some concern.

TV-Ifurita blushed, and giggled. "Oh, no, Miss Fire Lady. Why, I haven't even had my first kiss, yet. No, you just need a nice hot relaxing bath... A soak in this water should do you a world of good..."

"Eep urk," said an increasingly naked Shayla.

"Oh, don't mind all those eggs," TV-Ifurita said. "They're just Easter eggs for the DVD release, I'll bet. Oh, they'll have the cutest little fuzzy baby chicks in them... OK. In you go..."

"Eep urk." Shayla's head rolled to one side.

"Don't worry. You'll regain voluntary muscle control before you know it... Well, I'd better be going now. 'Kay? Bye!"

Shayla weakly worked her jaw, and drooled. "Eep urk ack eep."

TV-Ifurita looked back over her shoulder and grinned as she left. "See? You're doing better already!"

—

Makoto walked along a darkened hall in the castle, muttering to himself absent-mindedly. "The power control room's gotta be here somewhere..."

He saw a red light in the hall ahead of him. "Found it!"

Then some hot water pipes burst. Makoto got steamed— literally. "What the!?—"

And then, the floor gave way, and he fell away screaming.

A moment later, TV-Ifurita walked up to the hole in the floor. She wore a yellow safety helmet and a heavy tool-belt, and she carried a few loose boards in her arms.

She looked back to the red light, mounted on a portable yellow-and-black striped warning sign, and sighed. "Didn't he see the warning light? I don't know what else he might have thought it could have been."

She frowned. "I hope he doesn't knock those steam pipes loose. I don't wanna have to fix them AGAIN. And I did such a good job the first time. Why, they'd NEVER spontaneously burst."

—

Fatora, Alielle and Parnasse clung to a hanging cage, in plain sight, visible to the entire city and most of the castle, in a novel attempt to sneak into the castle unseen.

Fatora looked round, and noticed a potentially fatal flaw in her cunning plan. "We've got a problem ahead!"

Heavy thick metal gates built into the castle wall slammed shut, threatening to crush them.

"AAUGH!!" said Parnasse.

The cage drew nearer. The gates opened, and slammed shut again.

"AAUGH!!" said Alielle.

The cage drew nearer. The doors opened, and slammed shut again.

"AAUGH!!" said Fatora.

A moment later, Fatora and the two Relryles hung along a ledge, beneath the doors, safely away from them.

"AAUGH!! said Fatora. "AAUGH!!— Oh. Here we are. We arrived safe and sound."

"So this is what you call safe and sound?" Alielle groaned.

Fatora grinned. "Sure. Remember the security system Shayla had installed in the Muldoon temple, after the first time we broke into her bedroom? This was nothing, compared to THAT."

Alielle also grinned. "You're right, Fatora-sama. This was a lot easier than the huge vats of boiling oil, and the hall where the floor was covered in stretchy mouse-trap glue. And that pit full of rabid hyenas slowed us down for awhile..."

Parnasse whimpered. "I wanna go home..."

Alielle sighed happily. "But we didn't let any of that stop us. Nothing could stand in the way of your glorious quest to share your love with Sister Shayla."

—

Kauru turned to walk out of Nanami's kitchen, but then she paused and turned back.

"Miss Nanami?" she asked, clueless as ever. "Excuse me, but have I said or done something that's offended you?"

Nanami continued to scrub a dish, not turning as she answered. "Not really."

_You just came along and stole Makoto's attention,_ Nanami thought. _Just like you always do._

_You've even taken his thoughts away from Ifurita. Even *I* couldn't do that. But it's not surprising. Why, you could be Ifurita's little sister, with your long cyan hair and pale skin. I can compete with Shayla's looks, but you're something else..._

_And you just came along and sent me to this awful world, with your stupid inauguration, just as I was about to pay down the mortgage on the restaurant..._

_And now, you've just come along and taken him from me AGAIN. Just when I was about to confess to him. Just when I was feeling as sad and lonely, and vulnerable, as I've ever felt since before I found him at Arliman..._

Nanami dropped the dish to the floor. It shattered into pieces. Just like Kauru had shattered Nanami's sad, lonely, vulnerable, sweet little heart.

Nanami groaned. None of those pieces looked sharp enough to cut her wrists. Maybe there was a nice sharp knife in the dishwater...

—

"Dall."

The Emperor Dall Narciss didn't bother to look up from the flower that he held. He knew of only one person stupid enough to track him down, here in his private gardens, and annoy him while he was drinking heavily. "Huh? Oh, it's you."

"The Volcania rebel army is advancing," Gilda said.

"They are?" Dall said. "I didn't even know we were fighting a rebellion. I've been too busy ogling teenaged girls... And where the hell is Volcania? Has it even been mentioned in the script, before now?"

Gilda persisted. "I want you to give me the control password for the Spring of Life."

Dall raised an eyebrow. "Why, Gilda... That's a rather personal request. Besides, I didn't think you liked pornography..."

Gilda rolled her eyes. "Not 'Spring BREAK Life,' you idiot! Why would I want to look at pictures of naked co-eds on the royal Internet computer?"

She sighed. "Why is everyone jumping to conclusions about me? Is it the armor? Do I need to wear more make-up? Or grow my hair out? WHAT!?

"Why, that girl from El-Hazard just broke into my quarters, and assaulted me while I was taking a shower, and tried to..."

Dall grinned. "Oh? Do tell."

Gilda growled. "The Spring of Life, Dall!"

Dall sighed. "What about it?"

"GIVE ME THE CONTROL PASSWORD!!" Gilda shrieked.

"Heh heh. The sacred words, huh?... NEVER!!"

Gilda protested Dall's recalcitrance with eloquence. "WHAT!?"

Dall stood up drunkenly, pleased with himself that he wasn't too drunk to stand, yet resolving to drink more later to make up for his short-fall. "I see that startled expression of yours hasn't changed with time."

Gilda reached for her sword, forgetting that she had given it up. She made a futile attempt to cover her mistake with some smooth dance moves. "Ngh! Ngh! Ngh!"

Dall sighed again, underwhelmed by her choreography. "Would you? You'd kill me?"

"Ngh! There isn't time! There's no other way to save our nation from disaster! I, for one, love this country known as Creteria!"

Dall giggled. "Heh heh heh!"

"What the hell's so funny?"

"You are a fool," Dall said. "'You love this country known as Creteria?' As opposed to some other country known as Creteria? Who writes your English dub lines, anyway?"

Gilda's desperation had almost brought her to tears. "Oh, Dall! Just tell me one thing!"

"What?" Dall asked.

"What are we actually arguing about!?"

Dall and Gilda looked at each other, for a moment that seemed to last for hours.

Dall finally sighed. His shoulders slumped. "I honestly have no idea. Something about a broken engagement?... Or something?..."

Gilda also sighed. "Aw, nuts to this. No one cares about any of these plot lines, anyway. You wanna go get a beer and a burger?"

Dall grinned. "You buyin'?"

Gilda grinned. "I'm askin'."

Dall dropped his nearly-empty wine bottle to the ground, went to Gilda's side and took her arm. He made small-talk as they walked away. "Speaking of your English dub... Has anyone ever told you that your English voice sounds just like the demon Mara from the 'Mini-Goddess' adventures?..."

—

Kauru held Makoto close, after saving him from the falling cage. "Thanks, Kauru," he said, succumbing to the urge to state the obvious. "You saved me."

Kauru smiled. "Master Makoto, I'm so relieved you're alright."

"How did you find me?" Makoto asked.

"I called upon the water spirits of Muldoon— the great powers that govern the skies above— and they shone a light upon you."

"Oh, you mean this," Makoto said, producing the circuit thingy. "I finally figured out your connection with this. I think you trigger a secondary function."

"What do you mean?" Kauru asked.

"Besides being part of the Eye of God, and a plot-hole detector, I think it must also be a Mary-Sue character detector."

Kauru blinked. "Then why did it respond to me?"

Makoto sighed. "Ah. It's a clueless Mary-Sue detector."

He looked up above him. "I hope Alielle is alright. The cage chain snapped when she jumped. She must have put on weight."

"I heard that!" Alielle yelled in an indignant voice, from somewhere high above Makoto and Kauru. "You should try dieting when you're as short as I am! You eat one M&M, and you go up a dress size! Anyway, you should have seen those scenes with Jinnai—"

Makoto looked back to Kauru, and smiled. "Well, all that matters is, we're both safe—"

He was cut off as pieces of the shattered hanging cage came down on their heads and knocked them silly.

—

Afura sat in her tree, reading her book.

After some time, she looked up from her book, into the distance, and sighed, and spoke out loud to herself. "I wish I had a larger part in this fan fiction. Why, my role is even smaller than it was in the actual _Alternative World_."

—

OVA-Ifurita had continued to pass time in Nanami's restaurant, between the scenes that were filmed there.

Queen Deva had come to the restaurant as well. She had eaten a light meal, and continued to work on a bottle of wine that she had ordered with her meal.

Although the two women were no longer allies, they had much to commiserate about. Deva had got only a little more screen time than Ifurita. She had a small part in the bonus onsen episode, but that was of little consolation to her.

Deva toyed with her glass. "Oh, I wish I had been a cat girl. There's not much demand for insect girls, but everyone just loves cat girls..."

She looked over her shoulders, at her cape-like wings. "Hmm... maybe, if I had my wings starched, I could pass for a fairy... Ifurita? What do you think?..."

OVA-Ifurita smiled grimly and shook her head.

Deva slumped over her glass. "Oh well. It was just a thought."

OVA-Ifurita held her face in her hands. "I suppose we could do some doujinshi..."

Deva gasped. "Doujinshi? Oh, hon, you don't want to go there. Doujinshi are the WORST. We might as well have our dignity and our self-respect surgically removed, here and now."

OVA-Ifurita looked up and smiled grimly. "No. There is one thing even worse than doujinshi..."

Deva went pale, almost as pale as OVA-Ifurita. It was strange to see, considering her dark complexion. "You don't mean..."

OVA-Ifurita hung her head. "Yes. Fan fiction."

She held her face in her hands again. "There is nothing more CREEPY than being the main character in a fan fiction written by some guy with too much free time on his hands..."

Deva took another drink to steady her nerves. "It doesn't pay very well, either."

—

Moments after Chabil saved Rune from the chasm that had opened in front of his farm house, the ground shook even more violently. Chabil lost his balance and fell back into the chasm.

Rune cried out. "CHABIL!! NO!!"

She reached towards the chasm in a futile gesture, then fell back into what was left of the farm house. And she wept for her loss. "Oh... my dear Chabil... forever lost to a plot-hole..."

Chabil fell several hundred meters, but he slowed his fall by scrabbling and kicking at the uneven chasm walls with his hands and feet.

He managed to catch the edge of a narrow ledge. It nearly pulled his arms from their sockets, but his grip was strong, and he held himself.

He looked below him, and saw a horrible maelstrom of darkness, mere meters below his feet. "DEAR GOD!! WHAT IS THAT!?"

"What, that? Oh, that's just a random dimensional interface."

Chabil looked around him, and saw TV-Ifurita flying through the chasm. She spun in mid-air, and sat on the ledge, next to him, as he hung from it.

"They're opening and closing randomly, all over the place... That's what random dimensional interfaces do, dontcha know."

"Is it safe!?" Chabil asked.

TV-Ifurita smiled cheerfully. "Not at all. If a human fell into that, they'd die a quick, yet inconceivably painful, death."

Chabil clung to the ledge and quietly whimpered.

"You shouldn't be here," TV-Ifurita noted sagely. "What were you doing farming the top of a part of the Eye of God, anyway?"

Chabil gibbered. "The— EYE of GOD!? WHAT IS THAT!?"

TV-Ifurita blinked. "It's a horrific doomsday weapon."

Chabil gibbered again. "WHAT!? Are you SURE!?"

TV-Ifurita sighed. "Well, YEAH... I oughta know. I broke it myself."

She scratched her head. "Gee, mister. Didn't you know that your farm was on top of a part of a horrific doomsday weapon?"

Chabil was as thoughtful as the circumstances permitted. "Well. No wonder the land was so cheap."

Suddenly, as the segments of the Eye of God began to align themselves, the walls of the chasm shuddered violently. Chabil lost his grip, and opened his mouth to scream for Mommy.

An annoyed TV-Ifurita reached down and neatly grabbed his hand. "Oh, really. You've got to be more careful."

Chabil had gone some distance past the boundaries of rational thought by now. "AAUGH!! HANG ON TIGHT!! DON'T LET GO!!"

TV-Ifurita blinked again. "Um... are you sure?"

Chabil gibbered yet again. "YES!! I'M SURE!! HANG ON TIGHT!!"

TV-Ifurita bit her lip. "Well... OK... if you say so."

She released Chabil's hand, and positioned both of her hands back along the edge of the ledge, and held on tightly, for herself, as instructed.

Chabil fell away and disappeared into the dimensional interface.

After a few moments, TV-Ifurita sighed. "I wonder how long I'm supposed to hang on tight, like this. I can fly, after all..."

—

"Mr. Rune's Farmer Boyfriend?... Wake up... Oh, poor Mr. Rune's Farmer Boyfriend..."

Chabil opened his eyes, to find himself floating in a celestial after-life. Mysterious background music played all around him. "Who?... is that?..." he whispered.

A galaxy of stars seemed to come closer. Then it sprouted arms. "I am... the Will," it said. "The Great Will Of The Macrocosm. You died before your time, Mr. Rune's Farmer Boyfriend."

"Uh, the name's Chabil," he said.

"Now, Mr. Rune's Farmer Boyfriend, I shall give you a new life. You shall become a poor but happy immigrant worker, with a sexy wife and an adorable son. And you shall finally have a name, and it shall be... Pedro."

"But my name is... oh, never mind. I quit paying attention after the 'sexy wife' part, anyway."

The Great Will continued. "But don't get too used to it, since you're going to die another horrible death in your very first episode."

Chabil began to cry like a little girl. "NOOOOOOOOO!!"

—

Makoto stood within his visualized link with the Spring of Life. He was disturbed to find some old geezer sharing the link with him. It wasn't nearly as much fun as sharing a link with Ifurita.

"Don't be afraid, Makoto Mizuhara! You did well! Read the words and memorize them!"

"I can't!" Makoto lied.

"Look at them!"

"If I do, you'll activate the Eye of God! I won't do it!"

"Those aren't the words. READ the WORDS, Makoto Mizuhara!"

"AAUGH!!" said Makoto.

"That's not the words either!" the old geezer said. "Fine. I'll have someone ELSE read them..."

"Those words..." Gilda said. "The ancient sacred words."

"AAUGH!!" said Makoto. "Gilda! You're not even in this scene!!"

Gilda began to intone those terrible words, the words that few dared to read, that few could bring themselves to even consider.

"This license allows you to install the Spring of Life on one Eye of God. If you use an Eye of God in multiple dimensions, you must purchase additional licenses. You may not copy, modify, adapt, translate, reverse-engineer, de-compile, dis-assemble, or use extra-dimensional abilities to discover the source code of the Spring of Life, except as expressly permitted by the law in effect in the dimension in which you are located. You may not transfer, lease, assign, sublicense, pledge, rent, share or distribute the Spring of Life..."

—

Fatora and Jinnai faced each other below the Eye of God.

"I propose that you and the Bugrom become my personal slaves, to be at my beck and call for life," Fatora said. "Whad'ya say?"

Jinnai opened his mouth to refuse the offer, provided he could get the words out before he became violently and copiously ill.

But then, he thought of a cunning plan himself. He smiled. "Very well," he said. "How may I serve you, Mistress?"

"Wha?..." Fatora said. "Guh... nuh... uh..."

Jinnai began to walk towards her. "Why, Lady Fatora. These poor eyes have only just been opened to your magnificent beauty..."

Fatora began to back away from him. "OK, you're SERIOUSLY creeping me out here, dude. And I'm not easy to creep out..."

Before Jinnai could reply, the air around him temporarily reached a temperature of several thousand degrees. Jinnai ran away, and Shayla came forwards. "He was SERIOUSLY creeping me out..."

A sobbing Fatora glomped Shayla. "Oh, Shayla! How brave!... Coming to my rescue... deserves a reward..."

Then a sobbing Alielle glomped Fatora. "Oh, Lady Fatora! Oh, I missed you so much..."

"Oh," a not sobbing, but none too pleased, Shayla said, dreading what was about to happen. "So... Alielle's here too..."

Fatora and Alielle both suddenly turned off the water works. "My sweet," Fatora said, "let's both show Shayla a good time tonight, shall we?"

"Oh, that sounds like fun," Alielle squeaked predictably.

_Hmm,_ Shayla thought. _If it worked for Jinnai..._

"Oh, yes," Shayla said. "Why, Lady Fatora. And little Alielle. These poor eyes have only just been opened to your magnificent— OOF!!"

She was cut off by a dual-barreled Fatora and Alielle glomping.

"AAUGH!!" said Shayla. "Are you idiots blind? That's the Eye of God up there! And I've got to get up there, unexplained, for the final scene with Kauru! They gave Kauru a cruiser, and Afura can fly! What the hell am *I* supposed to do?..."

—

Makoto had gone to the Eye of God, with Kauru and Gilda. He had tried to install his handy combination plot-hole detector, clueless Mary-Sue character detector, and Eye of God sealer. But he found himself sharing a link with the old geezer again. And it wasn't any more pleasant than the last time.

"Just who the hell are you?" Makoto demanded.

"I am the great priest who controls dimensions!" Arjah said, appearing before Makoto, after a satisfying bout of maniacal evil laughter.

"Huh?" Makoto said. "I thought you said you were the ruler of the entire universe!"

"Yes, well, never mind that," Arjah said. "I have the ability to grant you your every wish!"

"Huh?" Makoto said again. "Then why can't you get yourself out of this place? Why do you need the Eye of God?"

"If you're quite done pointing out the gaping holes in my barely sketched out back-story," Arjah said, "destroy that stone, and I can send you and your friends back to El-Hazard!... Or perhaps you would prefer going home, to the land of your birth."

Makoto was stunned. Arjah sighed, and played his trump card. Makoto was suddenly even more stunned. "Ifurita!"

"I can whisk you to her in the wink of an eye," Arjah probably lied, "if that is your wish."

Makoto collapsed. "Ifurita, no! I just can't do it! I know you had only one scene in this series!... I know it isn't you!..."

"Aw, nuts to this," Arjah said, knocking Makoto unconscious and breaking the link. "I should have just knocked him out in the first place."

—

A suddenly re-conscious Makoto stood before the control panel and set the control circuit in place. "The circuit's in!" Makoto said, stating the obvious, as usual. "You ready, Kauru?"

"Yes," Kauru lied.

She placed her hand on the circuit, disregarding all the hours of government-sponsored safety messages she'd seen and heard about the dangers of playing near high voltage equipment.

Makoto watched her try to electrocute herself, in astonishment, apparently forgetting everything he'd learned about the ancient technology of El-Hazard. "Wha— what's wrong? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine..." Kauru lied again. "I'm finally doing the work of a Great Priestess... Didn't think it'd be this painful, though..."

She slumped against the circuit, and began to fall. But then, to the disappointment of Mary-Sue haters everywhere, two more hands were placed on the circuit.

"Heh." Shayla smirked. "Thought we'd crash your party."

"Sealing the Eye of God takes three of us," Afura said, in her usual lecturing tone. "And I'm going to get at least a little more camera time, by—"

Miz came on-camera, for no good reason. "I'm so proud of you!"

"It's Miss Miz!" Kauru said, pleased that any brain damage from her solo attempt hadn't seemed to affect her long term memory.

Just off-camera, a tiny cartoon thunderstorm raged over Afura's scowling face.

TV-Ifurita stood close by, once again unnoticed by the others, watching this touching reunion. But then, her attention was drawn to a second control panel, closer to her.

"Gee," she said to herself. "I wonder what this big red button labeled 'History Eraser' does..."

There was only one way to find out.

—

Shayla burst into the royal hall, running from Makoto's rooms at top speed, shouting for attention. "HEY! I just had the most horrible nightmare! Did any of you—"

Dr. Schtalubaugh cleared his throat. "In conclusion, I hereby recognize Kauru Taurus as the Great Water Priestess of Muldoon."

Shayla ran from the hall screaming. "AAUGH!! THE NIGHTMARE IS REAL!! AAUGH!!"

—

"AAAAANNND— CUT!!"

The large group of friends had finished filming the last scene, near the Fujisawas' home. They remained in place— as if they didn't want the scene to end.

Afura finally hung her head and sighed. "Well. That's it. There's nothing left for us now but the bonus onsen episode... and then, the long slow fade into obscurity..."

Shayla scowled. "Keep talking like THAT, bookworm, and I'll dis-invite you from the wrap-up party."

Fujisawa rubbed his neck. "I hope *I* can find more work soon. I've got a wife, and a kid on the way, now."

Miz leaned against him. "Don't worry, dah-ling. There's always a chance for a cameo in one of the 'Tenchi' series..."

Kauru clasped her hands and smiled happily. "Oh, but we've had this time together, at least. I've had ever so much fun working with all of you, and I just know we'll all treasure the wonderful memories of this series..."

She trailed off as everyone on the set turned to glare at her. She gulped. "What?..."

Nanami clutched at Makoto's left arm again. "Ma-ko-to-chan? You know, what I said was more than a line. Don't you want to go work towards... that... with me... now?"

Makoto gulped. "Eh?..."

Shayla clutched at Makoto's right arm again. "C'mon, Box Lunch Girl. Give it up. You know you'll never be more than the spunky little girl-next-door. What Makoto needs is a REAL woman."

Makoto frowned. "Hey! Wait just a minute—"

"Look, RYOKO," Nanami growled, "Makoto has had FOUR SERIES to make a move on you. It AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!! Oh, you MIGHT get a fling with him in a doujinshi, but—"

Makoto scowled. "Oh, fer cryin' out loud!—"

"Well, AYEKA," Shayla growled, "YOU'RE the CHILDHOOD FRIEND, right? He's had his WHOLE LIFE to make a move on YOU!! Talk about a LOST CAUSE!! WAKE UP and SMELL—"

Makoto threw off both of them. "ALRIGHT!! THAT'S IT!! I'VE HAD IT WITH THE BOTH OF YOU!!"

Nanami and Shayla turned to him, in shock, as he stormed off the set. He returned a moment later, dragging OVA-Ifurita with him, with a look of complete confusion on her face.

Makoto held her by her shoulders, and pushed her up to Nanami and Shayla, and shouted again. "THIS is my GIRLFRIEND!! My ETERNAL SOUL-MATE!! The IMPOSSIBLY BEAUTIFUL DEMON GOD OF MY DREAMS!! The TRAGIC HEROINE that WAITED TEN THOUSAND YEARS for ME!!

"You're BOTH my dear FRIENDS, and I've TRIED not to lead you on, and I'd HOPED that you would have GIVEN UP by now!! But you're BOTH DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Don't you GET IT!? I— LOVE— HER!!"

Makoto spun OVA-Ifurita around, held her head and her waist, bent her over backwards and leaned over her, and kissed her with all his heart and soul. Then the two of them began to glow with the strange aura of Makoto's ability.

OVA-Ifurita's eyes widened, but she quickly melted into his arms. Her eyes fluttered and closed, and she dropped her key-staff to the ground with a clatter. And she sighed, so softly.

"Eep urk," said Nanami and Shayla.

Makoto stood back up and released OVA-Ifurita. She breathed out heavily, and held a hand over her chest, as she kneeled down to pick up her key-staff. "Oh... MY..."

"NOW!" an also breathless Makoto continued, "if the TWO of YOU don't MIND, my SOUL-MATE and I are going to go have a romantic dinner, and gaze deeply into each other's eyes, and swear our eternal love to each other, and then we're going to go BACK to our ROOM and make SWEET SWEET LOVE the WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH!!"

He grabbed OVA-Ifurita's hand and began to walk away. "C'mon, Ifurita. Let's go."

OVA-Ifurita clung to him, with a most un-Ifurita-like, strangely submissive, but VERY happy, smile on her face. "Oh, YES, my DEAREST Makoto!"

The large group of friends remained motionless again, stunned by this passionate outburst, as they watched Makoto and OVA-Ifurita leave the set.

Then, both Shayla and, uncharacteristically, Nanami, fell into each other's arms, fell to their knees, and began to bawl their eyes out, as they finally realized that their ship had sailed.

Kauru clapped both hands to her mouth and fell to her knees too. "Oh!... That was wonderful!... They're both so lucky to have each other!..." She began to cry sweet tears of pure joy.

Afura hung her head and sighed again. "Oh no... Now I've got THREE basket cases to console... And... I'm feeling jealous, MYSELF... after seeing THAT..." And she sniffed, and held her hands over her face, and rubbed at her eyes.

Miz buried her face in Fujisawa's shoulder and sobbed. "Oh... Masamichi... could we ever hope to have a love like THAT?..."

Fujisawa held his wife closely and blinked back his own tears. "I... don't know... Miz... It makes me... ashamed... to call myself... your husband..."

Rune clasped her hands, hung her head and wept softly. "Oh... Chabil... could we have had such... happiness... Together?..."

Alielle clung to Fatora's waist and wailed loudly. "FATORA!! Promise me that you'll never leave me!! Never, ever, EVER!!"

Fatora sniffed as she stroked Alielle's hair. "Only if you... promise the same... my dear, sweet, precious little Alielle..."

Parnasse looked all around him, and he held out for as long as he could, but he was simply overwhelmed. He sat down on the ground, held his face in his hands, and began to cry without a word.

And then, TV-Ifurita came to the edge of the set. "Oh! Was this the last scene? Congratulations! I hope this series does well!"

Then she gulped. "Um, is this a bad time?"

And then, her eyes went all sad and shiny. "Oh... the last scene of a series is always so sad, when it's over..."


End file.
